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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
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I never update!!
Well, this year is gunna kick some serious ass starting real soon.
Senior trip.
England.
Prom.
Graduation.
Hawaii for two weeks.
I've never done so much in my life
and it's all happening within 3 months of each other.
I'll eventually find a prom date. Hopefully. It's in May so I have time it just sucks right now having no idea who to bring and I'm the only one in my prom group without a date. I love my friends though so whatever happens it should be incredible either way. We got a hummer limo, we have an awesome shore house in Ocean City a block from the beach, and I'm in love with my dress.
Next weekend I'm going to stay with my brother at his appartment at Penn State from Friday to Monday. Dayna and Jes are coming too so it's gunna be insane. DRUNK.
I went to Body Graphics to talk to them about the tattoo I want and the artist said it's gunna be around $800. I'm pissed. I can split it up into two $400 sessions but I can't even afford that. I'm really impatient when I know what I want and it sucks I have to wait. Especially with all these trips coming up I'm gunna be fucking broke.
I'm pretty content with life right now, but something's missing..
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, November 19th, 2006
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( lots )
Last night was a good night. Wow, I'm a senior and this is all gunna be over in less than 6 months. I really felt like a senior for the first time last night. Things are gunna be so different. I don't want it to change but I can't wait at the same time. Cherokee won the playoff game yesterday against Toms River East and we're going to states AGAIN. I'm glad my senior football team is good this year, we all thought it was gunna be a bad year but we made it to states two years in a row and hopefully we'll win it two years in a row. The game yesterday was awesome too, a lot of people showed up considering it was more than an hour away. Then make a long story short my shoes for homecoming were unavailable so me and Dayna had to go to DSW an hour before homecoming started and I had to buy new shoes. We met Jaimie and Jes back at my house and we all got ready together. Homecoming was a lot of fun. Dayna fought a boy. We danced a lot. We made fun of all the drunk people making fools of themselves. We went to get icecream at Friendly's after, got the usual. Then Jes had to go home and curl her hair and Dayna went to Mehow's so I just went home and got comfy.
It doesn't have to be like this.
So it's time to change things.
I don't wanna miss you anymore.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Friday, October 13th, 2006
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no parents tomorrow niight.
they go out now and it's awesome.
dad's away for the whole weekend and mom's going to see barry manilow (sp) in AC.
who's trying to drink some beers?
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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let this happen.
or let it go completely.
and tell me you're my friend and you'll be here for me when i need you.
but i can't take this bullshit anymore.
i'm done playing games.
talk to me.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 25th, 2006
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I give second chances.
But not third ones.
fuck you.
don't talk to me.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 17th, 2006
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( Girls )
Good times with good friends. Theres a lot of beer left and a whole bottle of vodka sooooo...TO BE CONTINUED.
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, August 27th, 2006
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I love my ( friends )
So last night was out of control. I don't even like remember all that happened. All I really remember is being there and then people started yelling a lot and then I started getting a little iffy if I should stay or not so I got my keys ready and just kinda waited around. Then a girl came out and yelled that six cop cars were headed this way and we should probably get out of there. So by the time I was at the end of the driveway the cops were screaming "GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND! GET YOUR HANDS ON THE GROUND!!!" So Amanda fell and I got on the ground too. They were like running around the house and none of them were in sight so Amanda ran into the woods and I waited like two minutes and ran in with her. We were getting eaten by bugs scratched and poked by thorns everywhere but we didn't really care at the moment. So we're like thinking should we try and get to the car, or just stay there and get caught..it was really a bad situation. We just stayed down in this like incline trying to not move and stay out of the streetlight. We didn't really hear anything happening and then we heard some people walking by so we made a quick decision and ran out of the woods. It was Sonja, Katrina and Beuhler(sp) and they were like just get in the car and go now. So we did just that. I was really suprised that we passed right by a group of 4 cops on the way out and they didn't even look at us. We drove back to Amanda's and fucking washed our bodies off. There were literally dead mosquitos falling off my body into the shower. I have so many bug bites it's insane. And thorn scratches all over my feet and arms and shit. That was my first run in with the cops and I'm hoping my last. I'm really suprised we got out of that. I never wanna do that again.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Friday, August 25th, 2006
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This past week has been so dumb. All I've been doing is sleeping and eating. Putting on unnecessary weight from being bored and eating shit, watching project runway and extreme makeover. And I got sick from not being around human beings for a week? It started with just a stuffy nose and sneezes and what not. Then for about two days I was dead sick. Started feeling better and went to Dunkin Donuts with my brother and got a coffee and two donuts. I think the caffine like reacted with my body and I was freaking out it was so weird. Then I took some advil without eating and it made me so fucking naucious. I was in bed all day yesterday and didn't eat anything but those fucking donuts all day. I'm scared to eat today cause I don't wanna throw up. Yesterday sucked. And I can't sing, which sucks even worse.
Tonight should be fun though.
Girls night at Jaim's. Beeer. It's Amanda's weekend and we're gunna make it amazing for her. On monday we're all gunna have our licenses, it's gunna be awesome. Sean's saturday? Who knows..
I feel so content with my freinds. Everything is so great lately, we get to see each other a lot and it just works. It feels right. We're all here for each other through anything that happens. Each one of us has five angels behind them always and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Jen and I had a heart to heart the other day about how lucky we all are to have each other and it was incredible. It is incredible.
I'm done being tricked and broken. Honestly, I just don't understand. They say the exact same things to each girl that crosses their path. I've been fooled pretty good a few times. It hurts, but I think I'm getting used to it. All I want is to be able to treat someone right. Have someone to hold my hand, and cuddle on my bed. I just wanna feel safe and secure. Have no doubts and be completely head over heels. I love that feeling in your stomach when you're so excited to see someone or talk to someone and you just can't get enough of them. When you see their name on your phone when they're calling and you smile. Just being so happy you can't even deal with it. I wanna turn around 50 times when I'm leaving him to kiss him. And smell like him when I get home. And go to sleep smiling knowing I'll see him tomorrow.
I want it to get cold so I can wear my new parka.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, August 21st, 2006
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Friday, August 18th, 2006
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So the day before my birthday was awesome. My family and I went to P.F Changs and had the best dinner ever. The waiter was hitting on my mom real bad too, it was funny. After dinner we met my a couple of my brothers friends and Jes at Otts in Berlin to celebrate my brother getting accpeted into Penn State and my birthday. It's a really dumb little bar but we had a good time. My actual birthday was really dumb. I ran around all morning doing errands..I got my new license, went to the bank to change my account and get an ATM card, dropped off my parking permit papers at school, went to the post office, dropped off my application at Lucky, and came home and took a nap. My mom woke me up with 10 mintues to get ready for the viewing and I had nothing to wear. The viewing was pretty upsetting so when I got home I didn't feel like getting together with anyone, I just wanted to go to sleep.
In the morning we met at the funeral home again and gave our last respects to the casket. I left before they closed it cause I was in the room when they closed Pop's casket and that was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in my life. We then went to the church for the service which was nice. Then the cemetary. We all got to put a flower on her casket and the priest said a few words. Then was the luncheon at The Coastline restaurant. I got home at like 5 and was totally beat, got in my pajamas and just layed around for the rest of the night until the doorbell rang...
I came downstairs and looked through the window and saw a glowing cake sitting on the porch and balloons sitting next to it. I opened the door and looked around and comming around from the side of the house was Jes, Jen, Dayna, Amanda, and Jaimie singing happy birthday. I was so suprised and had such a horrible day I was at the point of tears when I saw them. We went inside and had some of my favorite banana cheesecake from the cheesecake factory and then just sat around and talked and watched project runway. It was perfect. It meant so much to me. I love them.
Yesterday I picked up Dayna and we went to Smoothie King, which is now my favorite place. Then we went back to my house and Jes met us here and we went to the cherry hill mall. I got the best parka ever and I can't wait until it's cold so I can wear it. Then last night Jes' parents took us out to the Library II for my birthday dinner with them. It was delicious.
Before summer's over I want someone to sleep at my house, wake up with me at 3am and drive to the shore and watch the sunrise on the beach drinking coffee. I need to do that.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, August 14th, 2006
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Tomorrow is my 18th birthday, and my Aunt Betty's viewing. I can't say I'm exactly ready to see her, especially on my birthday. I hate to be selfish because death is obviously more important than a stupid birthday but it just kinda sucks that all this started happening right around my birthday and then her viewing fell exactly on the day. Her funeral's wednsday and then some kind of brunch afterwards. Ehh birthdays and funerals are both part of life..just have to do it.
On a lighter note the past few days have been a little better. Friday night was a little party at Jaimie's house which was fun. How many times did I say "Natty is fuck"? I ended up just going to sleep though. Then saturday Dayna, her mom, Delaney and I went to KOP and shopped ALLL DAY, and had lunch at the cheesecake factory which was absolutely incredible. Yesterday Jes, my brother, Dave and I went to Champs for lunch and hung out for the rest of the day. I filled out my application for Lucky Brand last night too. I have to get this job, it's the perfect job for me. And it's about time I actually get a job other than watching children and being extremely underpaid.
Tonight is my birthday dinner since tomorrow night is the viewing and everyone's gunna be pretty beat up from that. P.F Changs was my choice this year and I can't wait. Soo goooooood. I can't be turning 18..it's weird. Yesterday Jes and I made one of those telephones with two cups and a piece of string and were whispering to each other from around the corner. Ha whatever more freedom here I come!
So BEST FRIENDS let's try to do something tomorrow night. I don't even care if we sit and stare at each other, most of the time when that happens we end up laughing so hard it hurts anyway. We should go to Friday's soon when everyone's free cause that's the birthday place we always go to.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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Last summer it was poppy from diabetes.
This summer it's aunt betty from cancer.
It's been a difficult few weeks. With everything that's happening with Jimmy and now we know we only have a few more days left with aunt betty. She's just sleeping peacefully in her own home with her family around her. It just brings back so many memories from last summer when poppy was here. We just watched him sleep and talked to him. I know he heard me and felt me kiss him. I just held his hand said goodnight and told him I'd see him in the morning. Kissed his stubbly cheek and just watched him breathe for a little while. He was only breathing about once every 20-30 seconds if that and then i walked up stairs to go to sleep. Around 10 my brohter came up and told me he stopped breathing. It was weird because it wasn't scary to me at all seeing him. The back of his neck and the palms of his hands stayed warm for a little while but he got so cold everywhere else. Some woman came to pronounce him and take him away so we all said our goodbyes and i couldn't watch them take him away so I had to go upstairs and keep myself in my room. I saw the van in the driveway but I didn't look again until it was gone. I miss him everyday. Our birthday's coming up..he's was the 13th and I'm the 15th. His name will always be on our cake.
Jesse, Jaimie, Jen, Amanda, and Dayna I love you and I don't know what I would do without you.
Matty too. We weren't always close but now that we've grown up a lot we can relate to each other a lot more. I really value our relationship, I can tell you anything and you'll always help me out. And you know I'm always here for you. I love you.
Summer is coming to an end and I wouldn't say I have any regrets I just wish some things happened differently. But I learned a few things too. I'm done letting people walk all over me and use me. It happened too much this summer with multiple people and I'm not letting my guard down anymore. Whenever I do I end up getting hurt, and I'm done.
Senior year is supposed to be filled with study halls and goofing off but mine won't. I took a pretty hard schedule and It's gunna be work but I'm okay with it. I'll be seeing my girlies everyday again which will be nice. Fucking a couple weeks left, let's make memories.
I really want my birthday to be awesome this year. 18! Let's make it happen.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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I hate this feeling.
The other night we had an awseome girls night at Jaims. All of us were there for the first time in a long time. And nothing went wrong except for a few spilled beers which was good. I beat my drinking record, not by much but enough I guess...made a few phone calls I probably shouldn't have, left a few voicemails..I don't even know? This is the first time I honestly don't remember a lot about the night. But in general the night was just great in general. We all needed it bad. We woke up nice and early and got home to sleep more then I went out with my Matty and Mark to get his car inspected then we went to Friendly's for lunch. Came home and slept more. Sleep.
I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Ocean City with Jesse and her family until next Sunday. It'll be really nice to get away from here. A good long distraction will be nice. Then when I get back my birthday's in a little more than two weeks. I get to have one more hour of cerfew YAY. Which won't make a difference what so ever..whatver I'll have more room to slide being 18..at least I better. I really can't wait until this year is over. I'm so done with high school. I have everyone in my life that I need, my family, and the best friends in the world. Minus the whole relationship factor.
I thought I didn't want a relashionship over the summer/in highschool in general, but now I know I really do. I thought all I wanted to do was party and not have to be "tied down" to anyone. I guess it was selfish and now I realize I think I'm really ready to be all about that one person. I probably feel this now because of that small glimps of someone that used to be here. It just felt good knowing there was kind of someone there. A little weird but I kinda felt security when he was around..like I don't know, I had his back and he had mine. And it was weird because honestly for the first time it felt okay for me. Like maybe for once something might actually work. I just wanna be able to be good to someone and stop all these girls from corrupting and ruining peoples chances to have something real.
I tried to put across that I would never fuck you over, but I guess it wasn't enough.
I probably shouldn't blame myself..but I always do.
Well, no computer access for a while so anyone can call or text me if you need to. 609-417-8378
It's starting to get light outside so I better go back to sleep. I'll miss everyone. I already miss people.
P.S. My parents are going away for the first time in...forever, next month. And all my aunts and uncles are going with them. They're going to St. Martin or something. And my parents are letting me stay here so I'll have an empty house for a while. And pretty much everyone that could be keeping an eye on my house or could stop in at any moment are going to be there so it's a done deal. This is like a once in a lifetime thing so it should be tons of fun.
LOVE YOU ALL. Goodnight.
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I'm so ready.
Today was a lot of fun.
Jaimie, Dayna and I went to some company bbq, swam and had FREE FOOD.
When we got home we took a ride in the golf cart and got all dirty.
It's been a while since i laughed that hard. Really needed it.
Dayna left and we had some dinner..got that list situation under control,
then I just came home and showered.
The past couple days have been pretty dull and gave me plenty of time to think..
I've decided I'm going to join a gym, and get a job.
It's time to start getting my shit together.
July 6th was a year.
I can't believe it's been a whole year he's been gone.
It feels like forever, but like yesterday...
I still go into the living room everyday and just look at the dents in the carpet from his hospital bed.
It's so hard.
Well, on a lighter note summer's going great and I'll be 18 in a month!
I got a fish today and named him Blueberry.
Don't really know what's going on right now,
But..just keep smiling, right?
Hey..
I'm still here.
<3
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Saturday, June 24th, 2006
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i never update
i always read though
i think i might start writing again...maybe.
this summer should be awesome
driving makes my life so much easierrr
lots of shore trips coming up!
i'm actually leaving in a couple hours for the first one
point pleasant for anyone that wants to come down and hang out
coming back monday nightish
then next week is dayna's..we all need this trip. miss my girls =(
the past few days have been pretty beat..
it's okay though
i love my friends
i shoud have known it wasn't real,
i just really wanted it to be..
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, November 13th, 2005
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Thursday, November 10th, 2005
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went to DANE COOK tonight.
it was fucking great,
definitely well worth the money.
he's REALLY nice looking.
life's been great lately.
i'm doing so well in school and i actually kinda like it...
i'm starting to hang out with some new people and it's a lot of fun.
i know who my true freinds are, well at least for right now.
i had a real long talk with ashley this morning and it made me realize a lot of things about myself. i just put out so much for everyone else, i'm always listening but i never have anyone to talk to. maybe because i don't really talk about my personal stuff but i just am always there for everyone when they need me and i give out so much but i feel like i get shit in return. i'v always felt like this i just always put up with it and i think i might start sticking up for myself a little bit. i take so much shit from people. i cater to so many people and i'm done. i need some new real true friends so if you're out there...i'm here.
i wish i could feel good about myself..
just for one day.
i'm not settling for 9 YEARS
of love ruined by one person.
NOPE.
it's not over until it's over. and it's not over.
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 31st, 2005
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| Time: | 3:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. | | Music: | oc. |
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why is everyone so fake?
honestly no one is real anymore.
i think i know someone and then they're not who i thought they were at all.
why does everything have to be so difficult?
life is too complex..
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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watchit_go_down's journal
okay.
blank.
scared.
grumpy.
refreshed.
happy.